Ever since I first heard the now-famous Brene Brown TED Talk regarding shame, I began asking myself, “so now what, Brene? Now that you’ve got us all TALKING about shame, what do we DO about it? Read on! Or skip directly to the Tapping on Shame.

Shame is epidemic. It’s ubiquitous. It’s genetic. Shame is cultural. It’s familial. Shame is societal. And it’s time for us to heal our shame! Think of how much shame is in our daily culture in the US. Look at an ad with a beautiful person in it, and feel shame about ourselves. Read an article about unhealthy foods, and feel shame for how we’re treating ourselves. See a homeless person, and feel shame for our own well being. Step into our own personal power, and feel the shame of our families and friends and colleagues (“haven’t you just gotten uppity?”). Choose to take a non-traditional path (from your family or friends or culture or gender) and see how shame cuts you down. There is a long, long history of shame being used to keep the tribe in order. Step outside the tribal “rules” and you will be shamed – maybe to death. Click to do some Tapping on shame.

If we have shame, we give shame – mostly unintentionally. Listen to the words of a person you “left behind” as you followed your dreams: “Oh you’re too good for us now!” Or worse, they talk smack about you behind your back!

Shame begets shame. I know this for a fact from my own personal experience. I was filled with shame from the moment I came into this world – maybe longer. It permeated the cells in my body, and was in my DNA and my RNA. I breathed in an environment of shame. The FEELING of shame was palpable in our home when I was growing up (though I didn’t understand it then). I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE! SIMPLY IDENTIFYING THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM! I, therefore, felt shame about everything I did and said, whether that feeling was appropriate or not. And so I never learned to distinguish between what was “ok” and what was “shameful.” Everything felt shameful. Shame was the foundation of my reality, and so I powerfully and unconsciously created more to feel shame about. Click to do some Tapping on shame.

Shame on you! Shame on me! Another contorted effect of shame is it’s desire to hide. Shame is the quiet, dark killer. And while it wants to hide, it also wants to throw attention elsewhere (“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!”). Shame urges us to shame others – in order to throw the attention away from our own shame. Gossip, bullying, and more subtle forms of “shame-throwing” are killing our souls! Because when we participate in these activities, we feel more shame. Wow! Shame really knows how to perpetuate itself! Even thoughts of shame (about others and ourselves) creates more shame in our own body. (Yes, shame is stored in our bodies!).

Let’s stop it. Now! It’s time for us to put an end to this insanity! It’s time for each of us to dig deep with a gentle loving light, and find our deepest shame. Find the roots of that shame (I’ll wager it goes back to your earliest childhood memories – or further) and gently clear it out. It’s time to use the 21st Century tools that are available to us to heal our own shame, and create personal resiliency against the “shame paradigm.” Ultimately, we need to transform the paradigm. Click to do some Tapping on shame.

How do we do that? If you read anything I write, you know I am going to talk about Tapping. Tapping is part of what I used to clear my own shame. And I am continually creating resiliency against shame, by eliminating all forms of it from my thoughts and my reality. That means, not using shame in my words, my thoughts, in my facial expressions, not “throwing shame” at myself or others. Shame is like an eternal internal punishment. It is, in my opinion, one of the cruelest punishments there is. I’m sure I used it with my own children, and I’m healing my own shame around being that kind of mother. Even as I’m writing this, I’m noticing shame coming up. All those deep dark secrets that I’ve kept hidden away. Like what? I make no secret that I was an alcoholic and a drug addict; that I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day for 17 years; that I was married to an emotionally abusive man; that I’ve been married and divorced twice; that I was a sexually promiscuous young woman. I mean, what could I be hiding? My life feels like an open book, and yet I have some shame wounds that I haven’t healed yet. I’m diving into these tools, though, and I’m determined to make headway. Click to do some Tapping on shame.

Mario Martinez is a Cultural NeuroPsychologist, who has studied shame extensively in tribes all over the world, including Western tribes (aka families & religions). Shame is present in every culture, in different ways. In some cultures, the ultimate shame is to bring shame to one’s family. In other cultures, shame is a personal punishment. Martinez says that shame causes inflammation in the body, and thus all the inflammation-related diseases and illnesses. He also says that the antidote to shame is honor. Honoring OURSELVES!

Aha! and therein lie those unhealed shame wounds I mentioned previously. When I don’t honor myself – even in the smallest ways – I feel shame (or I allow old shame to grow). I made a commitment to myself to get up at 5 each morning and go for a 15-minute walk. I don’t do it every day, and on the days I don’t, I’m not honoring myself. And I feel shame. When I binge-watch “Royal Pains” or “Lie to Me” on Netflix, I’m not honoring myself, and I feel shame. When I go for three weeks without calling my oldest daughter in New York, I feel shame. The shame piles up! What’s a person to do? Click to do some Tapping on shame.

The answer, the solution, the truth – is in honoring ourselves in every moment. I mean, if I feel drawn to click on Netflix, I can honor myself just long enough to see if I’m making a conscious decision. Can I binge-watch without shame or guilt? Can I choose to watch only one episode? If not, there is a deeper something going on that I can then choose to take a look at (and tap on, or pray on). Or could I decide to skip Netflix all together, and honor myself with a good book, a chat on the phone with my mom, a note to a friend, or getting out my art supplies and creating. Ah-the never-ending unfolding of our emotional health! Don’t be discouraged! If we try to be perfect, we set ourselves up for more shame. We’ve got to learn to love and accept ourselves – flaws and addictions and history and all! That’s not to say we need to stand still and not make any changes in our thinking or in our actions. But in each moment, love yourself.

So, below is the transcript for Tapping on “General Shame.” As always, take full responsibility for your own well-being. If stuff comes up that is deep or traumatic, keep tapping, until the intensity of the feelings diminishes. Consider getting professional Tapping guidance (from me or another practitioner) if this is too painful for you.

Start by sensing into all the shame you’re holding in your body. Don’t go to specific events, but rather, gather all the feelings of shame that you’re holding on to. Rate the intensity from 0-10, 0 being not at all intense, 10 being totally intense. Write the number down.

Tapping on the Karate Chop point, repeat these phrases:

Even Though (ET) I feel all this shame, and I’ve been holding it in my body, I love and honor myself
ET I have held onto all this shame for so long, I love and honor myself and my emotions
ET I this shame runs through me like a river, I love and honor myself

Now Tapping around the points – one point for each phrase:
-This feeling of shame
-It came from all the shameful things I’ve done
-And all the things that weren’t shameful
-This shame is so powerful
-It permeates my entire life
-It runs like a river through my body
-It ruins fun my experiences
-It makes me feel small and unworthy

-This shame feeling
-I learned it at a very young age
-I learned it from people around me who had shame of their own
-I guess they wanted to share it with me
-To keep me safe from more shame later
-But it ended up eating at me
-And I kept doing shameful things
-Or at least I thought they were shameful things

-This shame
-I’ve shared it with others
-I wanted to keep them safe from more shame later
-But I know now that it doesn’t work that way
-And it’s time to stop sharing our shame
-It’s time to end the shame sharing
-I’m ready to forgive myself
-And let this shame go

-But I can’t forgive myself!
-I’ve done too many shameful things
-I need to keep punishing myself
-I need to feel small
-I need to hold on to this shame so I won’t do more shameful things
-I need to protect myself
-If I stop feeling shame, people might judge me
-People might think I’m too good for them

-This shame is insidious
-I can see that it’s not serving me
-This shame is taking away my joy
-So I’d like to forgive myself and let this shame go
-How can I do that?
-How can I forgive myself for all the shameful things I’ve done?
-Maybe I’m stuck with this shame forever
-It’s part of my culture

-Maybe it’s time to let it go
-I want to let it ALL go, so it doesn’t grow again
-Who am I to forgive myself?
-Oh, I’m that magnificent child of God – i forgot
-God doesn’t judge me
-Why do I keep doing it
-I wonder if it’s possible to just let all these negative shame feelings go
-Let them float up and dissipate

-I’m choosing now to release all this shame
-From every cell in my body
-Releasing it from my DNA and my RNA
-Releasing it from my lungs
-Releasing this shame from my heart
-Releasing it from my subconscious mind
-And my conscious mind
-Just letting it go. It’s that easy!

-And if this feeling of shame starts to come back
-I can observe it and say
-Thanks for reminding me I used to feel shame
-I let you go
-You can move along now
-This shame no longer serves me
-It’s really limiting me
-And I’m letting it go

Take a deep gentle breath. Exhale. Check in with your total shame. Re-rate the intensity of it. Write the new number. Tap again if necessary – if the number is not down to a 3 or lower.